Phil: OK, Main Event time now, and we got Hardcore Title action for you this week.
Steve: That’s right Phil, we’re gonna see Connor MacDaddy, who’s been on a heck of a run as Hardcore Champion just lately, and picked up a good win over Cheeky Joe just last week at New Beginnings defending his belt against Hardcore Hect, who took the title shot that Christian Cage didn’t want after their match at New Beginnings.
Phil: Speaking of Christian Cage, I’ve just heard that we’re going to be joined by a special guest commentator for this match. Care to guess who it might be?
(Before Steve can answer, the opening notes of “The Broken” by Fireball Ministry blast over the PA System as SFT Vice-President Christian Cage makes his way out onto the stage to mixed response from the crowd in attendance. Cage is clad in a black suit and shirt, and is sporting a new crew cut. ‘The Franchise’ makes his way down the ramp and around the ring to the commentary table, where he takes up the vacant seat next to Phil and Steve and puts on the headset which is on the table in front of him.)
Phil: Good Evening Mr. Cage, to what do we owe this pleasure?
Christian Cage: You call this a pleasure? Wow, you really need to get out a little more and experience some real pleasure, kid. As for why I’m here, I figure that my job as Vice-President must have some perks to it, so I figured I’d come out and get myself a ringside seat for this one.
Steve: So it’s nothing to do with the fact that you want a match with Connor MacDaddy?
Christian Cage: Nope, nothing to do with that whatsoever. I’m just here to watch and commentate, nothing else. Now, let’s get this thing started.
(The camera pans across to the centre of the ring, where Inferno Ring Announcer Amanda Summers is standing with a microphone in her hand.)
Amanda Summers: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the SFT Hardcore Championship!!
Introducing first, the challenger. Hailing from Tucson, Arizona and weighing it at 228lbs, HARDCORE HECT!!!
(As the opening notes of “Cancion Del Mariachi” play of the PA System, Hardcore Hect emerges from the locker room to a mixed reaction from the crowd. He is wearing a tattered brown trenchcoat, and carrying an unmarked glass bottle. He pauses at the top of the ramp and raises the bottle high in the air before making his way down the ramp, sliding under the bottom rope into the ring and sitting in one of the corners, sipping from the bottle as he awaits the arrival of his opponent.)
Christian Cage: You know, it always amazes me how he manages to get down the ramp for his matches without seriously injuring himself somehow.
Amanda Summers: His opponent, fighting out of Boston, Massachusetts and weighing in at 265lbs, he is the reigning and defending Strike Fantasy Towers Hardcore Champion, CONNOR MACDADDY!!!
(“Mack Daddy” by Sir Mix-A-Lot hits on the PA System as Connor’s trademark “Red X” pyros blast off from either side of the entrance stage. About 30 seconds or so into the song, Connor makes his way out onto the stage with his arms held high in the air and the Hardcore Championship belt glistening around his waist. As he makes his way down the ramp, he pauses periodically to point to some of the fans in the crowd and give them a thumbs-up sign. Once he reaches the ring, he slides under the bottom rope and climbs one of the turnbuckles, pausing at the top to make an x-sign to the crowd before jumping down and handing his Hardcore Championship belt to the referee as his music fades away and the opening bell sounds.)
Phil: We have a great match in prospect here, both men are known for their Hardcore skills, and both have proven time and again that they work best when there are no rules.
Christian Cage: In Hect’s case, that’s only because he’s always too damn drunk to understand the concept of rules.
(As Cage says this, it is clear that Hect hasn’t realised that the match has commenced, and so is still slumped up against the turnbuckles in his corner as Connor charges across the ring and catches him full on with a knee to the face, sending his bottle of drink crashing to the floor.)
Phil: Uh-oh, that could be an early mistake on Connor’s part.
Steve: Exactly, you don’t mess with an alcoholic’s drink and get away with it.
(Sure enough, as Connor has his back to Hect, taunting the crowd, the challenger climbs unsteadily to his feet, removes his overcoat and lays into Connor from behind with a series of punches to the back, quickly prompting the Hardcore Champion to turn around, only to be met by another flurry to the face which staggers him.)
Christian Cage: I always thought it was kinda unfair that when you fight Hect, you have to fight his goddamn beer breath too. It’s like having two opponents in there, and to be honest, I think the breath is tougher to fight against than Hect himself is!
(Eventually, Connor manages to duck some of Hect’s wild swings and fire back with some more accurate shots of his own, which stun Hect enough for Connor to be able to land the first real move of the match, a DDT which bounces Hect’s head off of the canvas, followed by an elbow drop to the back of his neck.)
Phil: You might wanna enjoy that while it lasts folks, because I figure that’s about as close to normal wrestling as we’re gonna get in this match.
Christian Cage: In these Hardcore matches, technical wrestling goes right out of the window, and I have every reason to expect nothing more than a knock-down, drag-out brawl here.
(Connor drags Hect to his feet and backs up a step or two before charging at him with a spear, which the challenger ducks, sending the Champion shoulder first into the turnbuckle. As Connor rebounds from the impact, Hect drills him with a Reverse DDT, which he follows with a Legdrop. When he tries to repeat the dose though, Connor manages to roll out of the way, sending Hect crashing to the mat, ass-first.)
Steve: That’s gonna hurt a little, to say the very least. Hect landed right on his coccyx.
Phil: Nah, that’s more round the front, he landed on his ass.
Steve: The coccyx is at the base of the spine; you thought I meant…ah hell, just forget it.
(Connor climbs to his feet and hits Hect straight in the face with a dropkick while the challenger is still in a seated position before grabbing him by the hair, pulling him to his feet and hitting a Northern Lights Suplex:
ONE!
TWO!!
NO!!!
Christian Cage: Trust me, it’s gonna take more than that to keep Hardcore Hect down for a 3-count.
Steve: How would you know? It took a misplaced chair shot from that man in the ring for you to accomplish it last week at New Beginnings.
Christian Cage (casually): Anytime you wanna try it for yourself instead of sitting on your ass for a living, just let me know. Until then, quit pissing on my efforts.
Steve: Come on guys, let’s keep it on the match.
(Back in the ring, Hect and Connor are both on their feet and are once again exchanging punches. Connor then whips Hect into the ropes and tries for a running clothesline, but his challenger has the exact same idea, and the two connect on each other at exactly the same moment, sending both crashing to the mat, while the referee stands over them, not able to do anything.)
Steve: What impact there from both men, and now neither one is moving.
Phil: Normally of course, he’d start a 10-count, but that doesn’t apply in a Hardcore match-up.
Christian Cage: Ah well, look on the bright side. They both hit their heads on the way down, and it ain’t like there’s anything in there to damage, so I’m sure they’ll be OK.
(Both men are flat out on the mat, both clearly exhausted from their efforts, and still trying to recover from the effects of the simultaneous clothesline)
Christian Cage: Hey guys, this is a No-DQ match, right?
Phil: Of course it is, all Hardcore Title matches are.
Christian Cage: Good.
(Suddenly, the camera pans across to ringside as he see Cage throw down his commentary headset and stand up, grabbing the steel chair upon which he has been sitting and sliding into the ring with it, in full view of the referee.)
Phil: What the hell is he doing? He said he was just here to commentate!
Steve: Well, whatever he’s doing, the referee knows that he can’t do a damn thing about it, seeing as it’s a No-DQ match.
Phil: Why do I think that this isn’t good news for our Hardcore Champion? We know damn well that Cage has no love-lost for Connor, and now it looks like he’s gonna take it a step further by screwing him out of the Hardcore Championship.
(Cage waits in the ring, steel chair in hand, seemingly ready to use it on whoever moves first. In the event, it’s Hect who manages to climb to his feet first, while Connor is still barely conscious on the mat. Cage throws a quick glance at Hect before nearly taking his head off with a vicious chair shot.)
Phil: What in the hell was that all about? I thought it was Connor that he came for.
Steve: Jesus Christ, whatever that was about, I think they heard it in the damn cheap seats, and I think that, for whatever reason, Christian Cage just handed this match to Connor MacDaddy on a plate.
(Sure enough, Cage grabs the still-unmoving Connor and pulls him on top of Hect, before sliding out of the ring and screaming at the referee to count.)
Phil: Like it or not, the referee doesn’t have a choice but to count Hect out here.
ONE!
TWO!!
THREE!!!
Steve: He did it, Connor MacDaddy retains the SFT Hardcore Title!
Phil: Yeah, but only thanks to Christian Cage’s damn interference.
(The referee hands the belt to Connor, who is still barely conscious, and doesn’t seem to fully understand what is going on. Meanwhile, outside the ring, Cage has grabbed a microphone and moved around to stand at the bottom of the rope.)
Christian Cage: Consider that a little gift from me, Connor, but don’t expect any generous treatment next week. You see, I have another little present for you, but something tells me that you ain’t gonna like this one as much. Next week, you’re gonna be facing me, one-on-one, right here on Inferno, and this time, there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it.
Cage throws down the microphone and heads up the ramp as Connor’s music begins to play while the Champion finally realises what has happened, and gives Cage a steady stream of abuse as the Vice-President heads back to the locker room area.
Winner, and STILL SFT Hardcore Champion: Connor MacDaddy
Phil; Well folks, that just about does it for this action-packed edition of SFT Friday Night Inferno. Don’t forget to join us next week, when we will see SFT Vice-President Christian Cage going one-on-one with the SFT Hardcore Champion, Connor MacDaddy. For now though, this is Phil Stevens saying goodnight.
Steve: Goodnight folks.
